Talk Without Speaking

and what I wanted most,
what I wanted most,
what I wanted most
was to get myself all figured out
and what I figured out,
what I figured out,
what I figured out
was I needed more time to figure it out
- fix you up, tegan & sara

I had iTunes playing in the background last night as I fast and furiously continued to play the WoW leveling contest (23, 20, 9, 6). I suddenly became aware that song that was starting up was one of the many versions of U2’s ‘Kite’ that I have in my library. Kite was a song that could sometimes make me cry before my Dad died and I have not listened to it once since he did. At my Dad’s funeral I read some of the lines from Kite (I didn’t read them in order – I think that Bono would understand) and there’s no song that brings me back to that moment more.

Since Dad died there have been several times when Kite has started to play, either on my iPod or on iTunes at home and every time I have jumped it as quickly as I could. I just wasn’t ready. Hell, I was perfectly willing to believe that I’d never be ready.

Although I could never explain to you why, last night I cranked up my speakers all the way, not caring if I either blew them out or annoyed the neighbors and I sang along, barely able to hear my own voice. The burning tears began as I knew they would.

I can’t say that I’ll easily hear that song again. It might be another 5 months before, someday, I find myself with the strength again. Firsts though. Even writing this blog post is a sign (to me at least) of something…even though the tears are flowing yet again as I write this, there’s no way I could have even touched this until now.

I’m not afraid to die
I’m not afraid to live
And when I’m flat on my back
I hope to feel like I did

Did I waste it
Not so much I couldn’t taste it
Life should be fragrant
Rooftop to the basement

Who’s to say where the wind will take you
Who’s to say what it is will break you
I don’t know
Which way the wind will blow

Who’s to know when the time has come around
Don’t want to see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye
-kite, u2