Talk Without Speaking

The first think I notice as I head out for a late “lunch” at 5:30 this evening is that there is still some light left in the sky. It’s so very welcome. As much as I loved Underworld: Evolution, one of the things that I dislike about this shift is how vampiric I end up feeling – a complete difference from how my body would choose to work if left entirely on it’s own.

The next think I am aware of is that there is absolutely nothing I remotely feel like eating. I’m not up for force feeding myself tonight and knowing that being outside normally makes me feel better I decide to just wander around campus and try to find some peace of mind.

I end up at the rose garden, have a seat, and just stare out over the ocean. My iPod is off and I’m not sure what I’m listening for. Am I waiting for the wind to give me peace? I feel like screaming until my voice gives out and if I could be convinced that I wouldn’t run afowl of the ubc campus security folk, perhaps I would. Sometimes I am amazed that I don’t just burst into flames with the intensity of the pain and sorrow that seems to burst my brain.

Amber says that feeling anger is part of this whole utterly horrific grieving process but I have never been the type of person who is angry. Sure, I get angry like anyone else but I just can’t sustain it and it usually fades within an hour or so. So, it is with that in mind that I do not recognize these feelings in myself. I have to face that I am angry and I realize as I walk out here that I have no idea how to deal with these emotions, no way to get them out.

I look up at what is a gorgeous night sky. The moon is the narrowest of slivers and if it was any less there it wouldn’t be there at all. I’ve just got to have faith that it’s not going to stay this way and that it will be full again someday.