Talk Without Speaking

What’s your defining characteristic? Some people’s are obvious and some less so. People say that I am tall and I an inclined to agree with them. Having been called tall most of my life I think of myself as tall and, furthermore, I think it’s my defining characteristic; I feel like it’s the first thing that someone is likely to notice about me. But forget everyone else for a second because, for a long, long time, it’s probably the first thing that *I* have noticed about myself.

Last night I wondered if this has changed.

I know that yesterday is not to be trusted. Oof, that was the roughest of days. That being said I feel like my defining characteristic right now is grief. To me it is what stands out the most, it is what I notice the most, it is what I cannot forget about myself.

The last few weeks I have tried to distract myself and what I have realized is that there are triggers everywhere. And, even if I were to lock myself in a room, I realize that the biggest trigger is me. I *hear* his voice when *I* talk. Of course, he is my father and I can hear the way he speaks when I speak. I see him in the way I move. I behave like him in many ways because I have spent my life wanting to be more like him.

I am my father’s son and, as hard as that is right now, it also makes me incredibly proud.